It has been a while since I wrote anything of substance.
I’m not a big author or have any significant impact on the Substack. You won’t see my subscription in the ‘New Bestsellers’ list. Honestly, I have no intention to be there. Since I started interacting with people on a social level (back in school) I’ve developed a dislike for the popular and the pretentious. These often go hand in hand – let’s be honest: few people who are their true selves will be liked by a lot of other people.
You may ask where is the leading since I’ve already taken up a few moments of your time with my little rant and a brief glimpse into my psyche.
The past few months have been difficult for me. Not because I struggle with writing at the moment. Or because I lack in finding something worth the effort to photograph.
The last few months have been mostly dotted with disappointment. You know the feeling when whatever you do doesn’t yield any positive results. For me it is super familiar. If I look at my life overall – I guess I am doing alright. If I have to tick the big boxes I’m okay. Job – check. Roof over my head – check. Health – check [kind off].
But there will always be something ‘missing’. I suspect as humans we have this built-in dissatisfaction with how things run. Perhaps a side-effect of having access to such a vast amount of information. We know a lot more about everything and this tends to make us want more. And more. Our lives shouldn’t be lived to a point where we become stagnant. Even if you decide to make only incremental changes, small ones (which might be massive to you), we should move forward.
Long story short – my life hasn’t been moving forward as I’d hoped it would.
This started a few years ago with the sudden death of a friend. There one moment and later that afternoon getting a call telling me about his passing. Two months later my mother passing away. I have not truly processed these two events. Didn’t take the time to properly grieve. Just pack the grief away, revisit it occasionally on a day when things seem not to be going. Perhaps a tear or two, think about the moments we shared and then jump back into the rat race.
For this reason, and others, the idea of slowing down in life has always been central for me.
Yet, I never get to that point. As with others, I know I’m not the only person thinking about this. We just keep steaming forward, adapting consistently to the stressors which we find in our lives. We adapt to such an extent that we find ourselves in moments where we think how the fuck do I do this?
How do I keep putting myself and what is important to me behind the whims and wants of other people? How do I keep putting my own priorities behind those of people who have no interest in seeing me grow or move forward? Look I understand you shouldn’t be a selfish asshole in life but you also shouldn’t keep putting your own life on hold other people. Not everyone has out best interests at heart. And if you don’t push for yourself – no one else will.
To return to the point of steaming ahead – this leads to burnout. For the creative, for the non-creative. Everyone who has been at the doorstep or rather the entrance to Burnout City can tell you this – you cannot go on indefinitely. Something stops working. Something stops feeling right. You start spending more time on the less important things because they tend to yield more ‘quantifiable’ results (like money) and you forget about the things like stopping and smelling the flowers or touching some grass. You stop to focus on what is important for your peave of mind.
Sometimes you get lucky and break the behavior which is burning the mental candle at both ends. Sometimes you don’t and you hit a wall.
My wall was roughly a month ago. And it nearly cost me a finger.
An accident which left me in the hospital for two days, wondering what my hand would be like without a finger, or part thereof. At first I didn’t really consider the effects of this but as I left hospital and sat at home looking at the injuries it hit me.
My life had almost changed drastically.
A friend said something similar to me as this image. He mentioned that me cutting my finger stopped me from something worse.
If I ever needed something of a wake-up call this was it. It gave me a lot to think about.
Even before the accident I was already feeling the effects of rushing through everything in my life. Rushing through photography, rushing through writing. Rushing through life in general – not stopping long enough to enjoy the small things that matter. I hadn’t written a newsletter for a while and my weekly newsletter was also coming to a screeching halt.
What next?
The past few days were particularly bad for me. Thoughts leaning towards the darker side and a general feeling of unhappiness. More unsatisfied TBH.
Between all these thoughts and ideas and plans I had a thought.
A few years ago I was in a similar spot – life was just grilling me at every turn. Then I took a step away from everything. The popular phrase is monk mode. A good way to find out what is important to you and focus on that which returns the most.
This morning I closed my online shop because in the few months it was open I didn’t sell one thing. Granted I also didn’t advertise it. Can’t expect people to miraculously find my products right? It was adding to the misery I was experiencing making me question everything around my photos and so forth.
Next up is my newsletter -_- Although I won’t shut it down I won’t punish myself too much for not writing at the moment. I enjoy writing for the people who read it but without something worthwhile to say I’m just wasting my time and the readers. I like sharing photos but those on their own without any context feels kind off weird to me.
Photography is limited to my Kodak. I can’t cycle at the moment so I take it with me on my way to work in the mornings. The slow auto focus is a buzz kill but it’s purpose isn’t to capture the decisive moments – it is there to get me taking photos of whatever is interesting at that point.
When will I return to a routine of writing and regular photos? I’m not sure but I hope the time I take off from all these activities benefit me in some way.
Thanks for reading : )