Deep breath.
This is usually how I start my the first line in my journal. It keeps me focused, helps me to stop and look at how things are moving forward at the moment.
The past week has been the worst for this year. I injured my hand fairly badly. A machine decided to take a bite out of my finger. I often told people around me “you don’t realize how much you miss your [insert an appendage here] until it is gone”. I am not oblivious to the fact that something might happen to my hands but I didn’t really consider the potential of it.
Until it happened.
I’m lucky. I’m fucking lucky with this. In the same second I got cut I could have lost my finger. Or fingers. The day when I was in hospital waiting for the doctor to operate on me there was two other hand injuries. One of them a finger which had to be amputated.
After every health scare I tend to take a step back. I think about what happened, could I have done something different. But the last 5 medical situations I’ve had has been nothing like this. Nothing with the potential to alter my life like this. I know this might sound like a bit of an overdramatization to some but I don’t care.
To me, this is something which has traumatized me. In the same way I was traumatized after a car knocked me over when I was seven years old. Or the time a spider bit me and I had to get surgery to save my leg. This incident is on that scale. To this day repeatedly check the road when crossing, perhaps a bit more than I should. But that incident (and all the others) left something troubled in me.
While this is healing I’m stuck. I’m stuck with that residual trauma. The feeling of ‘what is next’. My mind is a mess. Anger. Negativity. Just an all round feeling of ‘ugh’. More so depicting being tired of this situation. Angry at many things – percentage wise the angriest at myself. Asking myself questions which I could have / should have answered.
Shouldn’t have put myself in the situation which led to the incident.
I don’t have a deeper message from this. This is mostly to get those thoughts out of my head.
Thanks for reading : )